This way to here
It's not a new job. I've been freelancing for this Fil-Am broadsheet since last year and somehow it has been mentioned that they'd eventually hire me for a fulltime editorial job (main office is in San Francisco but they recently opened a Makati bureau, so they need more people). But I just resigned from an 8-5 job last year, so another fulltime job was far from my priorities, I wanted to explore, to not be tied; so I just committed to being a freelancer.
Still, it felt like the offer will resurface, and honestly, in the past I was kind of hoping it will (in time, when I'm ready for another fulltime job), because I was assuming there'd be travel opportunities, a reasonable pay, and a wider scope -- writing-wise. And so it did, it resurfaced just last month.
Thing is, if I reject the Makati job this one time, I'm not sure (and I don't feel) that they'd offer the job a third time. I know, I have to ask them, but something tells me I have to decide on my own terms, NOW. This is a job I know I will regret not getting soon, so I'm giving it a shot. At least I'll know if it was worth rejecting.
I wanted to spend the holidays in Baguio. Torture, yeah, because that'll be the first time I'd spend it away from my family. But I wanted to experience spending Christmas alone, just for the sheer heck of it, you know? There were many things I wanted to do in Baguio, until this Makati offer came.
There are many complications but all I can say now is that I am f*cking torn. I think I may have finally found the job in Baguio, and now this other job comes in the picture. What makes it all difficult is that I think I like both jobs, but that I'm telling myself I hate the Makati job because I am enjoying myself immensely in Baguio now, get it?
The Makati boss was asking for me to go fulltime this September, but I said I couldn't leave Baguio yet, so now I'm splitting my time. And taking my time to decide, too. Weighing the PROs and CONs, and thinking of the long term. But the present seems to make more sense than the future, doesn't it always?
If I really wanted to, and God knows I do, I could do the split schedule for forever. But travelling twice a week two six-hour bus trips every week will eventually take its toll on me, even if I seem to be enjoying it at the moment. Nakakabisado ko na nga yung mga bahay at bukid na dinadaanan ko sa La Union, Pangasinan, Tarlac at North Luzon Expressway. Sa susunod nga na pag-akyat ko, balak kong bilangin yung mga kalabaw at baka. Seriously, I only have to choose one job.
Maybe I'm just saying this because I want to feel better. Maybe I can make myself stay in the Makati job for a year at least. I am so tired of doing things half-heartedly, I am so tired of running away, of always thinking " Madali lang naman umalis kung gugustuhin ko."
I don't know why I'm doing this to myself, I've been crying for weeks now. Jang has been very very very supportive and again she's putting up with me whenever I cry in the middle of Session Road and in Mcdonald's, or wherever it is that I feel like crying. I don't know why I let myself do this to myself, I mean, deciding is easy and sometimes the choice is obvious? But I like complicating things and I guess this will be my problem until I am 95 years old, yung tipong alam kong dapat na akong mag-pustiso pero pinipilit ko pa rin kumain nang walang ngipin.